What happened? This year is flying by. The older I get the faster time seems to go. I changed the background to red, white and blue in honor of my mom. Her absolute favorite holiday is Fourth of July or as she knew it as a little girl, Independence Day. She goes all out and I guess over the years, I have adopted this tradition. We were in Phoenix this year which was strange for me because we are usually gone on the 4th. We have gone to Albuquerque, Indiana, San Diego and even been in a dinky town in Kansas one year. It is just hot and miserable here on the 4th. UGH!! So I digress. This year because we were here, I got coffee mugs (2) and dish towels and a tablecloth all in 4th of July theme. Darrel thought I had lost it. Then on that morning, I started crying because last year myself, siblings and nieces and Matt had flown to mom's and surprised her. It was also the last time I saw my grandmother alive. Very bittersweet. Darrel was supportive after I managed to tell him what was racing around in my head. Thoughts in a Crazy Life or really just thoughts in my crazy head!
Shall close for now.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
June
Now it is June already. The year is almost half over. That is crazy. We had a wonderful graduation party for P. Darrel really had a hard time figuring out what to say but I have to tell you what he did say was so beautiful. P. really seemed to enjoy himself.
It hit me kind of hard last Sunday when there were pictures of I and P. They are so grown up. I remembered when the picture they had on the big screen were taken. P. and his overalls. He was so sweet, still is. But he can get under my skin so easily. I have been reminded several times by the Holy Spirit that he is my child because I am like him and God wants me to see how I am to Him. I get under His skin as well. Probably not. That is the mind-boggling thing. God is not like me. That is wonderful, amazing, awe inspiring, confusing. Again, faith. Being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.
I. my baby. He is somewhat of a mystery to me. He is funny and creative but kind of makes me crazy with having to talk all the time. PLEASE be quiet! Again, me in the flesh. Wanting my mom's attention. Mom, mommy, mom, mama. Egads.
D. and I are really good. After we had that spat, seemed so out of character for us. Praise God! I think we are finally figuring it out. i seem to be able to be myself a little more with him. This seems to be a new facet to our marriage that really only happened since Feb. He also seems more relaxed some how. especially with me. Not quite sure why but am really glad it is happening this way.
The knees. I really have no hope that these injections are going to help. I really just want to go to the dr. and tell him to replace them and then get on with it. Get on with my life.
All for now. We shall talk.
It hit me kind of hard last Sunday when there were pictures of I and P. They are so grown up. I remembered when the picture they had on the big screen were taken. P. and his overalls. He was so sweet, still is. But he can get under my skin so easily. I have been reminded several times by the Holy Spirit that he is my child because I am like him and God wants me to see how I am to Him. I get under His skin as well. Probably not. That is the mind-boggling thing. God is not like me. That is wonderful, amazing, awe inspiring, confusing. Again, faith. Being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.
I. my baby. He is somewhat of a mystery to me. He is funny and creative but kind of makes me crazy with having to talk all the time. PLEASE be quiet! Again, me in the flesh. Wanting my mom's attention. Mom, mommy, mom, mama. Egads.
D. and I are really good. After we had that spat, seemed so out of character for us. Praise God! I think we are finally figuring it out. i seem to be able to be myself a little more with him. This seems to be a new facet to our marriage that really only happened since Feb. He also seems more relaxed some how. especially with me. Not quite sure why but am really glad it is happening this way.
The knees. I really have no hope that these injections are going to help. I really just want to go to the dr. and tell him to replace them and then get on with it. Get on with my life.
All for now. We shall talk.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
May already?
I just figured out how to customize my background! I think it looks cute but that is just me.
The knees, oh the knees. Yesterday, for most of the day I felt like I had a TENS unit on my left leg. Now for those of you who don't know what that is, it is a device that you are hooked up to by electrodes and then it sends electric current through your leg. I started to freak out and then I decided that it was God creating cartilage in my knee and to just get on with it. Today there is nothing but some soreness from the exercises I did yesterday. So.....what do you think? I think I am going to have FAITH that I have had some regeneration. "Now faith is BEING SURE of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we DO NOT SEE". Heb. 11:1.
Speaking of Hebrews, I am really loving to read there right now. I think Hebrews was written by Paul but no one is certain. Up there with Romans, I think they are 2 of my favorites to read.
May is going to be crazy for me. Ian turns 15! My mom is going to be 70!!!! That seems so weird for me. I wonder how many years I have left with her. Her mom was 79. I makes me sad. I do know that I will be okay and that she will be with the Lord but I will miss her so much.
Cameron has a new girlfriend. Sort of happy and sad at the same time. Always hoped he and Miss D would be together but I sure don't want to have ANY preconceived notions about Miss C. I DO NOT want to be the ugly M.I.L. I did not have one, well, I think that I may have had sort of one because Darrel and I were so young and stupid, but altogether I think Granny liked me. It always seems weird to me what we call our in-laws. We already have a mom and a dad so that seems weird and it seems slightly weird to call them Jim and Doris but why? I would want my D.I.L.'s to call me Beth and Darrel, Darrel. I don't know. I am just thinking out loud. A little late though considering Doris is dead and I have been married for 29 years!
Preston wants to have R. for his girlfriend by the end of the summer. It seems another rescue relationship again but maybe not. I think he would be open to me talking to him but I really never know. He can be such a whiner and complainer and seem really ungrateful. Oh but then I recall how very much like me he is. YOWZA! and Yuh-ikes! Man that is painful. I believe God had Preston be my son so that I can see on a regular basis what my heart looks like in human form. So glad that He sees me through Jesus and the Cross. Otherwise I would be toast...
I am reading Counsel from the Cross. It is helping me to realize and remember how powerful and loving and brutal and painful the Cross was. How much I don't deserve and how much God loves me. It is amazing and grace filled and overwhelming.
Thanks for reading.
We'll talk again soon.
The knees, oh the knees. Yesterday, for most of the day I felt like I had a TENS unit on my left leg. Now for those of you who don't know what that is, it is a device that you are hooked up to by electrodes and then it sends electric current through your leg. I started to freak out and then I decided that it was God creating cartilage in my knee and to just get on with it. Today there is nothing but some soreness from the exercises I did yesterday. So.....what do you think? I think I am going to have FAITH that I have had some regeneration. "Now faith is BEING SURE of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we DO NOT SEE". Heb. 11:1.
Speaking of Hebrews, I am really loving to read there right now. I think Hebrews was written by Paul but no one is certain. Up there with Romans, I think they are 2 of my favorites to read.
May is going to be crazy for me. Ian turns 15! My mom is going to be 70!!!! That seems so weird for me. I wonder how many years I have left with her. Her mom was 79. I makes me sad. I do know that I will be okay and that she will be with the Lord but I will miss her so much.
Cameron has a new girlfriend. Sort of happy and sad at the same time. Always hoped he and Miss D would be together but I sure don't want to have ANY preconceived notions about Miss C. I DO NOT want to be the ugly M.I.L. I did not have one, well, I think that I may have had sort of one because Darrel and I were so young and stupid, but altogether I think Granny liked me. It always seems weird to me what we call our in-laws. We already have a mom and a dad so that seems weird and it seems slightly weird to call them Jim and Doris but why? I would want my D.I.L.'s to call me Beth and Darrel, Darrel. I don't know. I am just thinking out loud. A little late though considering Doris is dead and I have been married for 29 years!
Preston wants to have R. for his girlfriend by the end of the summer. It seems another rescue relationship again but maybe not. I think he would be open to me talking to him but I really never know. He can be such a whiner and complainer and seem really ungrateful. Oh but then I recall how very much like me he is. YOWZA! and Yuh-ikes! Man that is painful. I believe God had Preston be my son so that I can see on a regular basis what my heart looks like in human form. So glad that He sees me through Jesus and the Cross. Otherwise I would be toast...
I am reading Counsel from the Cross. It is helping me to realize and remember how powerful and loving and brutal and painful the Cross was. How much I don't deserve and how much God loves me. It is amazing and grace filled and overwhelming.
Thanks for reading.
We'll talk again soon.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
March
Well the Ladies Retreat is done and I think it went very well. I was pretty anxious to speak but God is so faithful. I thought that when I opened my mouth to speak, I would end up wailing. I still struggle so much with comparing and living life without my dad. I used to be able to remember what he sounded like and even the smell of Zest soap. A couple of weeks ago I had a vision of his hands and the scar from the transmission he dropped on it. I started to cry. I have lived so much longer without him than with him and have pretty much made peace with his suicide but sometimes the missing comes at me like a giant wave. I have been able to verbalize some of this to Darrel but I don't do it all the time. It does make me so sad that he probably is eternally separated from God. I can only hope and pray that at the last hour he cried out to God.
Darrel and I seem really good. Since we had the very heated discussion in San Diego, he has seemed more present in his relationship with me. We have planned a "spring fling" for April. We want to go away for 3 days to come back together intimately since my surgery. :) I am looking forward to this in more ways than one.
Ugh, my weight...back over 180. I know in my head that once I can exercise, it will get better BUT it is so hard to get on the scale (which I believe I was told to get rid of!) and see that number. Part of it is that I am comparing again. You see the last time I was with my mom and sister, they both looked FABU but I felt very old, fat and dumpy. I see them again in May and I want to look better. But what if it doesn't happen? Am I going to let that ruin my time with them? What if my knees are not much better? I am sure my sister loves me as well as mom but I feel so much pressure!! I need PERSPECTIVE!
Darrel and I seem really good. Since we had the very heated discussion in San Diego, he has seemed more present in his relationship with me. We have planned a "spring fling" for April. We want to go away for 3 days to come back together intimately since my surgery. :) I am looking forward to this in more ways than one.
Ugh, my weight...back over 180. I know in my head that once I can exercise, it will get better BUT it is so hard to get on the scale (which I believe I was told to get rid of!) and see that number. Part of it is that I am comparing again. You see the last time I was with my mom and sister, they both looked FABU but I felt very old, fat and dumpy. I see them again in May and I want to look better. But what if it doesn't happen? Am I going to let that ruin my time with them? What if my knees are not much better? I am sure my sister loves me as well as mom but I feel so much pressure!! I need PERSPECTIVE!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Here we go
So thought I would start my own blog. As I type my sweet husband and youngest are practicing for Ian's choir concert on Tuesday. Ian has a terrific voice, actually he sounds alot like his dad. They are singing Brandon Heath's song "Give me Your Eyes", So good and so sweet. The first time they sang it I was crying and had to thank God for both of them.
My crazy life. Recovery is going so slow. I want to feel better soon so I can exercise and keep continuing to take this weight off. In addition to finishing the house this year I want to be fit and fabulous to turn FIFTY next year! Does not seem possible.
My crazy life. Recovery is going so slow. I want to feel better soon so I can exercise and keep continuing to take this weight off. In addition to finishing the house this year I want to be fit and fabulous to turn FIFTY next year! Does not seem possible.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)