March

Well the Ladies Retreat is done and I think it went very well. I was pretty anxious to speak but God is so faithful. I thought that when I opened my mouth to speak, I would end up wailing. I still struggle so much with comparing and living life without my dad. I used to be able to remember what he sounded like and even the smell of Zest soap. A couple of weeks ago I had a vision of his hands and the scar from the transmission he dropped on it. I started to cry. I have lived so much longer without him than with him and have pretty much made peace with his suicide but sometimes the missing comes at me like a giant wave. I have been able to verbalize some of this to Darrel but I don't do it all the time. It does make me so sad that he probably is eternally separated from God. I can only hope and pray that at the last hour he cried out to God.

Darrel and I seem really good. Since we had the very heated discussion in San Diego, he has seemed more present in his relationship with me. We have planned a "spring fling" for April. We want to go away for 3 days to come back together intimately since my surgery. :) I am looking forward to this in more ways than one.

Ugh, my weight...back over 180. I know in my head that once I can exercise, it will get better BUT it is so hard to get on the scale (which I believe I was told to get rid of!) and see that number. Part of it is that I am comparing again. You see the last time I was with my mom and sister, they both looked FABU but I felt very old, fat and dumpy. I see them again in May and I want to look better. But what if it doesn't happen? Am I going to let that ruin my time with them? What if my knees are not much better? I am sure my sister loves me as well as mom but I feel so much pressure!! I need PERSPECTIVE!